As you found out first hand, divorce or breakup is a tragic and overwhelming experience that breaks your heart, your soul and your world into pieces. The amount of suffering that’s coming your way feels insuperable.
It’s one of the most difficult things we ever encounter: it disrupts nearly all domains of your life. It severely impairs your judgment, and it destroys hope.
But there are things you can do to reduce the magnitude and the amount of suffering you are to experience and to speed up the healing process.
The important thing you should know upfront—YOU WILL RECOVER! You’ll learn invaluable lessons and move on.
I will cover what worked really well for me healing my broken heart and my thought process behind it.
However, as always, take any advice with the grain of salt, see what applies to you personally, then disregard the rest.
This article covers every step in-depth. It’s a long article that hopefully will give you everything you need to know to deal with divorce/a breakup. If you’d like the short version—go to this post.
Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Pull the Plug
One of the biggest mistakes I made that made me suffer more than anything was going back and forth. Being together for over 9 years, it felt like forever, and I didn’t wanna let that go.
At the time I felt strongly that I could win her back, and that there were no issues that couldn’t be resolved by hard work. I was wrong.
Because it’s not just about hard work and resolving issues. Of course, that plays a major role in it, but It’s also about the fundamentals of any relationship.
You cannot make the other person to WANT to be with you. You can’t control how they feel about you. But even more important to realize, you shouldn’t even want that, to begin with…you should want HER to WANT to be with you.
You should be together for no other reason but how can you not be?
This is what a relationship is in a nutshell: It’s two people that cannot understand how can they possibly not want to be together—there is just no other way!
No matter how long your relationship has lasted, if your mate doesn’t want to be in it with you anymore, it may be a good time to let them go. One person’s hard work cannot salvage the relationship. It doesn’t work that way.
It’s one thing to stay together and try to resolve issues, and it’s another when one of you doesn’t want the same thing anymore.
As you’ve heard many times: It’s better to be with no one, than with the wrong one.
Pull the plug.
Step 2: Take Care of Paperwork
There is a good reason why divorce is considered to be one of the five major life-altering events—and therefore, making it one of the most difficult things to overcome.
If you’d been together for a long time, chances are, you had built a complex life around the two of you. Thus making it nearly impossible to just part your ways without severely distorting other domains of your life.
You go separate ways now. There is a number of things that might require the presence of both of you in the same room at the same time.
Which of course might cause a lot of pain since you might even hate each other’s guts at this point, who knows. However, It takes two mature individuals to put your feelings aside and get this over with.
Therefore, make your best effort to stay civil and reasonable. Do you have kids together? Do you have a lease signed by both of you?
Joint accounts? Debt? Pets? Owned property? Any other things you’ve shared? Be prepared before your meeting!
You are hurt and vulnerable, your judgment is compromised, hence you’re not thinking clearly. When you see each other again, things might escalate, and emotions take over. So before you meet each other, make a list of things that needs to be taken care of. Focus.
You need to get things done. Get your emotions under control and get your priorities straight. Especially, ESPECIALLY if you have kids, pets or someone else affected by your actions/inactions.
Take this seriously. Also, you might have several accounts together, bills, streaming services, gym memberships, and whatnot. You share passwords to all the accounts. There might be a whole lot of things you share. This is where you sever the ties.
Now it’s time for you to have everything your own.
It might very well be the last time you make contact with each other. Which is ideal for your recovery.
Anything that might remind you of her, while you’re working on healing your heart is a massive step backward, not to mention how much emotional and physical pain it will cause as well.
So do it as soon as possible, so you don’t have to later contact one another, opening that wound all over again.
Situations like that will halt and set back your recovery, even when you thought things were getting better. Now suddenly you have a bad day, and the nightmare repeats itself, traumatizing you again.
Step 3: Cut Off Any Contact
The better you do this step, the faster and less painful your recovery will be. Oh, it will be painful, no doubt about it. However, the magnitude matters significantly.
There is a huge difference about feeling hurt or down, and actually wanting to end it all. Don’t push it. You are extremely vulnerable and fragile in the state you’re in.
If you took “STEP 2” seriously, and did your due diligence, this step shouldn’t be too difficult to follow.
But the thing is, you gotta do it as soon as possible, and do it properly. She’s got to be out of your life, for good. And I mean OUT. There shouldn’t be any way for you to just randomly stumble upon her. Which of course might happen, but you gotta reduce that chance to a minimum.
A good place to start is to do delete or deactivate your Social Media accounts, if possible.
Maybe you are severely addicted, or it’s an important part of your life, therefore deleting it is not an option.
At the very least you ought to take a “vacation” from it.
Take it seriously—it’s a big deal. The truth is, almost everything in your recovery is. So treat it as such. Your health and your life are on the line here.
Let the people know that you’re taking a break. What’s the reason? A family leave. Then go ahead—deactivate or pause your accounts. The longer you can stay away from it, the better it is for your recovery.
I say, shoot for 6 months at the very least.
The rule of thumb is to go offline for about 10% of how long you’ve been together for. That’s roughly how much time it might take you to heal your heartbreak.
For everyone, it’s different. But it’s not that far off from that formula, given that you are not suffering from dealing with other things.
If it’s 3 years, then stay away from it for 3 months. If it’s 10 years, stay away for a year. If not sure, shoot for more—the longer, the better.
You need time to heal your wound. You don’t wanna open that pandora box, again.
Social media world makes you one click away from one another, constantly reminding you that she’s out there, within your reach.
She might’ve already moved on, and if you find out—you’re gonna have a massive setback in your recovery. Not to mention the amount of pain and suffering it would bring.
But not only that.
People put up a front on social media, you are surrounded by people for whom everything appears to go well.
Appears is the keyword.
In the aftermath of a divorce or a breakup, your judgment is clouded. You can’t see what people are really like. They are faking their lifestyles trying to impress other people, which they hope will make them feel more significant.
Sadly, many of them are suffering and dealing with similar things to what you have on your hands.
Some of them got it way worse than you, and you don’t even realize that.
All you see is a facade they put up.
That comparison game we all play is pretty dumb. It hurts our self-esteem. But it’s particularly dangerous given the state you’re in. You need to get your feeling of self-worth back, not to degrade it further.
“Oh, look Kevin is celebrating 20-years of a happy marriage with his gorgeous wife, but you, on the other hand, couldn’t even make a person stick with you for three years.”
The self-talk can be brutal.
Why are you comparing yourself to them? For your own sake, stop participating in this nonsense.
You are running two different races.
The thing is, you don’t know how things are really between them. They might deal with infidelity, serious illness, their own insecurities, and inadequacies.
Obviously, they are not gonna “advertise” that on their social media. Why would they… to face the judgment of other people making them feel even worse?
You are in such a vulnerable state right now. Every little thing will trigger negative emotions and open up your wound. It’ll bring you down.
But, you are already DOWN. Really really down.
Do yourself a favor—stay away from things and people that cause any of that. You need to heal.
Also, you might wanna block or delete her from your contacts, friend lists, and whatnot. You do whatever is necessary so that you don’t get that occasional notification reminding you that the place you’re in right now is called HELL.
Make your best effort to eliminate any chance of getting in contact with her in the real world as well.
Do you have any mutual friends, acquaintances?
Maybe, for now, it’s time to let some of them go. Or at the very least reduce the time you spend with them to a minimum, until you get much better.
There is no reason to “avoid” people. Don’t do that.
Be upfront, and tell them the truth— you are dealing with a devastating personal problem, and it just so happens that now they are part of collateral damage, whether they wanted to be or not.
People that care about you and wish you well will understand what’s going on and what you’re going through without you even telling them much. Those are real friends, people that are there for you when things are good and bad. They aren’t going anywhere.
The rest…they don’t really matter, do they?
Also, It might be important to mention that if you had a particularly nasty breakup, you might consider changing your phone number.
Step 4: Grieve Properly
As you know it’s a nasty feeling of being rejected by someone you love. She was the one, but things didn’t work out between the two of you. It’s soul-crashing. Surprisingly, it’s an understatement.
However, I think it’s critical to understand the subtle but all-important difference.
You did not lose “The One.”
No.
You’re hurt and heartbroken because you lost someone who you thought was the One but unfortunately didn’t turn out to be. That’s why it hurts so much.
Also, get that notion out of your head—there is not just ONE “the one” for you to begin with.
It’s one of the biggest relationship myths out there. And it’s stupid.
Another thing to note—a breakup is terrible for both parties involved, regardless of who left who.
It’s either you were rejected and that hurts like you were hit by a truck.
Or you’re the one that just dumped the other person, and now your head is gonna start messing with you, as it always does. It’ll begin reasoning you into believing that you’re pathetic and worthless that you can’t even manage to find just ONE half-decent half-right partner for you; you’ll start doubting that there might not even be one, according to your failures thus far; and the clock’s ticking…you are not getting any younger…
We are prisoners of our own mind. It’s the origin of much of our suffering.
Grieving is the most important step to heal a broken heart. It might also be the most painful.
Let yourself grieve properly— that’s your pathway to recovery.
What do I mean by ‘properly’?
Allowing yourself to feel what you feel as you’re feeling it.
Be fully aware of what is going on with you.
Do not run away from your feelings. Do not numb anything. Instead, connect with them.
It’s true that your life is not the same anymore. No sh*t. It’ll get much worse if you keep ignoring your body signals.
Acknowledge the truth.
It’s okay to feel anger, pain, resentment, loss, confusion, sadness, fear, anxiety, frustration, apathy along with many other things. Don’t judge yourself.
THIS IS NORMAL
And it’s reasonable. Give yourself a break—you just lost your loved one.
It’ll come to pass. You’ll be alright. Allowing yourself to grieve is the first step towards the light.
You might want to take some time off from work—a week, or maximum two, to wallow in self-pity.
But then, mark it on your calendar, as soon as the time’s up you gotta get back to your normal routine. If you keep avoiding your daily responsibilities and tasks you’ll quickly get overwhelmed.
Don’t expect yourself to be as effective at work as you normally are. If your performance is getting really terrible, you might wanna consider taking a vacation or use-up your sick-days, before they fire you.
Personally, I took a few days off to take care of important paperwork, bank accounts, etc.
However as soon as that was squared away, I just drowned myself with work, doing 70-90 hours per week. Not taking any days off. ***I’m weird and obsessive: I feel as if you give me a day off, I go off the rails, losing momentum and then it’s extremely hard for me to pick up where I left off.
***BUT, It doesn’t mean you should do the same. Not at all. That’s just something that worked well for ONE person. Me. You wanna try different things and see what gives you the outcome you want. As with any advice, you gotta separate the wheat from the chaff.
Facing your feelings as they come is painful, but it’s necessary for your recovery.
Use Whatever (Healthy) Outlet Available to You to Grieve
Be that venting to non-judgemental and open-minded loved ones and friends, hitting a punching bag, running, creating something, or writing/journaling. Or better still use a combination of different things. Try out different things, to see what does it the best for you.
If you don’t have open-minded people who you can talk to without being judged or given “solutions”, you should go get some help outside. Talk to a psychologist. Meet with a few different ones, and see who you connect with the best.
Personally I used journaling, biking, and exercising —it helped immensely. Write down your thoughts and feelings as they are, without filtering.
Don’t be embarrassed to let yourself feel what you feel. It’ll help you deal with denial, and help you transition to a new phase in your life—being single. You can burn the journal later if you want to—no one needs to read it.
Don’t Fight the Feelings as They Appear. In Fact, Do the Opposite
Notice what you are feeling and experiencing right now. Look… you are in the worst possible place of your life right now. You are suffering like you have never had before— a massive amount of pain. That’s in your own opinion.
Now notice something of the utmost importance—that this very pain, the worst that can possibly be by your own measures— you are already tolerating it, in this very moment.
Realizing that fact can make all the difference.
The key is to not bottle up your feelings.
The thing is, If you numb yourself with booze and whatnot and try to ignore them— NO—they are not going away.
Far from it.
Think of it this way, there’s a hurricane and with every emotion you’re numbing, it harnesses more strength.
And here’s the thing— It was DEADLY-dangerous on its own, to begin with, but now YOU made it even stronger, prolonging the time it’ll stick around, widening the area it will do colossal damage in, and increasing the chances of taking you out, which could also hit the people in your close circle.
You don’t want any of that.
This is why it’s so important to face your feelings and sensations as they appear, BECAUSE this way YOU CAN TAKE THEM. And you don’t get overwhelmed in the meantime.
In my own breakup-case, I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t do. I got helplessly overwhelmed really quick. As many life tragedies, it was out of the blue—I sure wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t even grasp what was happening at the time and why it was happening to me.
For about a month or so I was balls deep in denial bottling up my feelings until one day It just wrecked me and made me collapse into despair, as I saw my whole world burn to ashes.
Despite the tragedy, I realized one thing, that day was the single most important moment in all of it.
Because that’s the day-one of getting YOU back—the denial is over—now you are on your way to recovery. This is the moment when you finally realize and just as important, accept that you are not together anymore.
It’s over—let her go. It’s time to move on. I know that your heart is broken and that you’re struggling. It hurts like hell.
However, you can’t control how other people feel about you. Why are you focusing on the things you can’t change? Focus on what you can do. And what you can change.
Not only it’ll guide you through the storm but make you stronger as well.
Step 5: Start Exercising Regularly
As you found out firsthand, suffering after a breakup is absolutely insane. It escalates and quickly becomes too much if left unmanaged.
Exercise is one of the sure-ways I know that helps you reduce it, and by a lot.
Doing yoga, lifting weights, running, CrossFit, dancing, martial arts, or taking classes to just creep-stare at chicks beautiful people—whatever makes your heart race will do the trick.
You will be astonished by how much better exercise can make you feel. Try finding something you’ll enjoy doing in a long haul.
But keep in mind that “enjoying” the process is not the point. Even though that, TOO, will come in due time. What you are looking for is a solution to the problem you got on your hands—healing your broken heart.
Also, don’t forget to cut yourself some slack.
Suffering makes it difficult to enjoy anything. It also affects different people differently.
Some, get angry and bitter. Some become distanced and feel numb, empty and apathetic. You don’t feel a thing; that’s what your brain does to reduce the pain you are in when you’re dealing with a tragedy.
The insidious side effect of that, however, is that you can’t feel anything “good” either, which includes a feeling of joy, ambition, and a desire to live.
Exercise will help you fix that. It helps you connect with the present, stopping your horrific unconscious cycle of reliving the now past trauma over-and-over again.
It gradually allows you to (re-)gain control over your body and mind, substantially easing the pain in the meantime.
Your life is chaos right now. And control is one of those things you were stripped off in the aftermath of the breakup. You gotta get it back.
Yoga, meditation, and Jiu-jitsu are great in particular in that regard.
Breakup is a vicious attack on your self-esteem and self-worth.
Working out helps to build it back up again.
That’s your medicine, take it.
But, important to note, don’t overwhelm yourself or your body with complex workouts. You are pretty overwhelmed already with what you are dealing with.
Start small. Start simple. Stick to it.
What you need is consistency.
It’s better to do something two or three times a week, every week, rather than going in super-hard-mode every day like there is no tomorrow.
Which a lot of us do in the beginning. You get fired-up and highly motivated and go in extra hard for some time, only then to discover that it’s an incredibly slow process, hence you can’t really see the results yet.
Not seeing the changes you wanted to see, you get discouraged and frustrated, so you just give up and return to your usual “old” ways.
Instead, find an activity that you might talk yourself into doing in the long run. As you know, consistency brings forth progress. Constantly getting better, in turn, will make you feel a whole lot better about yourself.
The improvements, no matter how misleadingly small they might appear at the time, will compound and have a profound effect on your life and your well-being.
Needless to say, exercise will help you with your confidence and make you more attractive as well. Which again, improves how you feel about yourself healing that wound you have.
You need to rebuild your whole world brick by brick. So why not start right by laying a strong foundation — YOU.
Clean Up Your Diet
You’ve heard this before: “What you put in your mouth affects how you feel.” 🙂
Dealing with heartbreak can make you overly harsh on yourself.
Binging on a massive amount of junk food will make you feel guilty, undisciplined and worthless. Don’t do it to yourself. You have enough on your plate as it is, don’t make it harder.
One of the problems with eating junk is that it doesn’t give you any energy.
And you really need it.
Because suffering that you are dealing with and the healing process both consume an insane amount of energy—you’re being mentally and physically drained every second. That’s why you don’t feel like doing anything.
Your natural-baseline state right now is—feeling exhausted all the time. When you wake up, you don’t have any energy at all, you just wanna stay in bed all day.
And the less energy you have the bigger the chance that you’ll stay home alone wallowing in self-pity. And that will do you in.
Get a Hold of What You Eat
Don’t overwhelm yourself, keep it simple—eat whole foods and get rid of refined carbs and sugar.
Drink lots of water.
Another thing is, when you clean up your diet you are highly likely to lose some weight. That’ll give you a nice boost to your self-esteem and move you forward in your recovery progress.
Step 6: Search for Life’s Meaning
We, humans, are not really looking for the answer to an age-old question of life’s meaning when everything is ‘sunshine and dandy’.
It’s when it’s not, and our minds are deeply troubled, we start asking, well, What does it all mean?
When life throws you a curveball…or ten, finding the meaning of life is of the utmost importance.
At this point, it becomes a life-and-death situation. Take it seriously.
Human beings need a reason to overcome an insane amount of suffering that life throws at us. A really good reason.
Sadly, the suicide rate is at its highest right now. And of course, there are many different reasons why people decide to do that. But, unfortunately, loss of a relationship(s) is one of them, and it’s one of the main reasons why people do it.
Why?
Because the amount of suffering you are to experience will push you to the edge and beyond—it can become unbearable and kill you if you’re not cautious enough.
One of the ways to avoid it is to find a solid reason, WHY BOTHER?
What is so important in your life that it makes it worth enduring all that suffering and pain?
Ask yourself, What’s the meaning of life?
And look for the answer as if your life depends on it. Because it does.
When my honey broke up with me, I was lost, confused, and in agonizing pain. I had a hard time contemplating why do I need to exist when nothing made much sense anymore? What’s the point of suffering?
No one seems to care whether I live or die anyway, so why bother? The pain is just too much…
That was a very dark place.
One of the biggest reasons why divorce is at the top 5 of the most difficult things to overcome is that It’s never just that, is it?
It’s a dozen other little, and not so little things that pile up on top of each other. Especially if some of them (or many) were not in good shape in the first place. Then it’s particularly devastating and deadly-serious.
If it ever was just the breakup, then you know what to do—it’s rather simple—time heals. Even if you don’t do anything, (given that you are not suicidal) with time, your wound will heal.
It might take much longer, and it might be living hell, but you will come out on the other side. No doubt about it.
However what complicates things is when on top of your breakup, there is your job, where you’ve already been stressed out of your mind.
But now given your mental state, you can’t even perform as well as you used to. But you weren’t even that great, to begin with.
Since you just lost your loved one, your behavior changes and that puts a strain on all your other relationships. The money situation is pushing you down. Your best friend is avoiding you for some reason.
Your favorite team is on a losing streak. And your pet is sick. And many, many many other things.
Life is suffering.
That’s painfully obvious.
All those “little” things that make you suffer on a day to day basis, making it rather apparent; but now it seems as you were dealt a fatal blow.
That’s ironic, you know as if your life wasn’t already tough. Now it’s also “this” that you have to deal with. Problems seem insurmountable. It’s in situations like this that death seems like an easy way out.
Do Not Underestimate the Magnitude of Suffering That’s Coming Your Way
It can do you in.
You gotta shed some light on the darkness that you found yourself surrounded by.
Put all possible effort to find a strong reason why live at all?
One way to do it is to consciously decide that everything you do matters.
The opposite of that is the nihilistic road, and it’s deadly. Turn around.
As soon as you realize WHY bother to persevere, you’ll find the strength within you that you didn’t even know you had.
As Friedrich Nietzsche famously said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
In my own case, I didn’t have to look far to find it. And the best part — neither do you!
I realized that there is not a single person in the world who can do a better job at taking care of my cute little fur-balls: Dexter, Kimi, Maggie, and Annie.
I clearly understood that I am the one granted the power to make a difference in my cats’ lives, that it’s my responsibility to bear. That it’s not a burden, it’s a privilege. Their quality of life depends on me.
How well they live depends on me doing what is required of me. That’s where the meaning of life may be found.
Responsibilities
That revelation of sorts was profoundly meaningful to me. At that point, I was suicidal. Ever since then, I woke up every day knowing and driven that I have an important responsibility to fulfill. And I better be doing it well.
I have a job of taking care of them and making sure to do absolutely everything I can to ensure that they have the best life possible with all the attention and love necessary. That means not taking them for granted.
Immediately upon realizing that, this wasn’t a matter of choice anymore—a should-do became a must-do.
Therefore, the thoughts of committing suicide just went out of the window. And suddenly I was able to see how pathetic and dumb that idea was.
What… am I just gonna betray the very things that I love more than anything and whose life depends on me and I’ll just leave them alone?
Of course not.
My cats have played a critical role in my recovery. No doubt, they are the reason I still walk the Earth. They were the light in the darkest of times. They still are. And a funny thing is that I’m sure they know it. Or at least they behave like they do.
Once I managed to find life’s meaning when I was struggling, I kept reminding myself, daily, why this was all worth it. And that helped me to keep it together in the most difficult of times; and eventually, it got me through.
I want to stress out something extremely important that so many people are struggling with:
What Other People Think About What You Find Meaningful—is Irrelevant
Luckily, it just has to make sense to one person—YOU. Your life meaning as the name implies is yours.
Remind yourself something simple and yet profound:
Most often, it’s the people whose own “garden” is f*cked, are the ones that judge you and tell you “how they think you should live your life.”
Just let them be.
You gotta worry about what YOU find meaningful. Take a look around, there’s something or someone in your life right now that MATTERS. Don’t take anything for granted.
If you really struggle with this, I would highly recommend you to read Viktor E. Frankl’s – Man’s Search for Meaning.
Even if you have, re-read again.
This book can give you a new perspective on suffering and imbue you with the courage to push through. Some of the atrocities of the world that other people deal with, and yet, how they are well able to overcome it—is astonishing in its own right.
When you see the magnitude of other people’ suffering and how they are able to successfully deal with it, your own “monster” that you’re fighting starts diminishing in size, and you gain faith and harness strength and belief that you TOO, can tame the beast. And then you go and do just that.
Step 7: Re-Assembling Your World. Daily Routine and Discipline
How you start your day, has a major impact on how it’s gonna go, but even more so when you are trying to glue your life back together.
Getting a few things right early on is like winning small battles, it creates momentum, so eventually, you can win the war.
You’re in terrible pain right now, so why not start off your day by doing something early that affects how you’re feeling for the rest of your day?
So that you can start off your day on the right foot.
—Take a huge dump. “What…Bigger than life?”—Yes!
Well, that too:) However, I was talking more about exercise. Now that you have built a habit of doing it regularly, you can incorporate it in your morning routine. A-MUST-DO-thing. You could have done it earlier, but there is a risk of it being too much too early.
That’s what habits are for—not to overload your cognitive capabilities by doing repetitive activities automatically. That way it doesn’t overwhelm you.
Exercising in the morning will make you feel good. It will give you a very much needed boost to your energy and motivation that you’ll use to do things. It creates momentum.
An important thing to note,
Human being’s natural state is NOT positive.
Many people don’t know that. You are more prone to gravitate towards negative emotions than you are towards positive ones. It’s a well known and documented phenomena.
You can see that for example when you win $100 in a bet or a card game, let’s say. And then you lose it. How does that make you feel? That losing part really sucks. That’s why no one likes to lose. Even though the amount is the same.
It hurts way more to lose than it feels good to win.
But It’s even way crazier than that. Because sometimes you win more money than how much you lose, and yet you’re still pissed because you feel like you “had it” and you could’ve won more. Now you feel like a failure.
That’s how we’re wired.
Now imagine this, it has such a negative impact on you when everything is going well in your life. But you are FAR from that right now.
So every little bit of negative emotions and feelings will ruin your day, and the worst part is that it wasn’t even “good” to begin with.
You are more likely to let your negative emotions dictate how your day is gonna go.
Getting a few “wins” early might not necessarily make you feel great given the state you are in and what you are dealing with right now. However, it just might be the crucial difference between having an OKAY day, and the one where you scribble a suicide note.
EVERY win you can get matters.
It’s so much easier to gain GOOD momentum if you have your morning routine in place.
Wake Up at the Same Time
Any decent psychologist would tell you that one of the first things you gotta get under control is your sleep.
No excuses, get yourself the most annoying alarm clock you can find. One of those that comes with a massive buzzer that you can stick under the mattress. It’s so strong, it’ll wake up your neighbors too. And good. F**k ’em! You don’t like them anyway…
JOKING, of course. Of course.
It matters that you wake up at the same time every day, as it gives you a sense of order, a sense of getting control over your life.
If you wanna know about the importance of sleep I’d highly recommend Matthew Walker. Check him out—he is THE guy. He is the Chuck Norris of sleep, but British. He’ll blow your mind. You think you know things about sleep until you hear him talk.
Personally, I learned a lot and changed my perspective on the importance of sleep after listening to Joe Rogan podcast with Mr. Walker. (This link is for full-length Podcast.) and (This link is to the summary of KEY POINTS of that same episode.)
Ever since then I’ve made sure to get 7-9 hours of sleep every day. Every day. Also, it’s not just about a certain number of hours, it’s the quality of sleep that matters just as much if not more.
I used to think that you can make up for lack of sleep later.
Wrong. Mr. Walker covers it well in the podcast I linked above, explaining it in great detail.
Manage your time better to ensure you get enough sleep every day.
Shoot for at Least 7 Hours of Sleep
Just from doing those two things—waking up at the same time and getting 7 hours of sleep—you’ll quickly notice an improvement in how you’re feeling—your mood regulation in particular. If you stick to it, your self-esteem will go up as well.
It sounds silly and negligent, but its effect is powerful.
I noticed an improvement in a matter of days. I felt better and had less frequent mood swings. The latter for me has always been a big deal, but suffering from heartbreak, now, it mattered even more.
And NO, obviously I didn’t feel great—still suffering and all—but better.
And that is not nothing.
You Take Every Win You Can Get, and Celebrate It
You change ten things around and better becomes much better. And there you go, repeat the process enough times, and you might even be able to turn your life around. Wouldn’t that be cool?
And do make sure to celebrate EVERY win by practicing gratitude. Because guess what, you might not realize that right now—but things could have turned out much worse—and thank god they didn’t. So don’t just take it for granted, appreciate it.
***(Even after I recovered from a devastating heartbreak I still do it—I celebrate and appreciate every victory I can get. Big or small, I don’t discriminate—I take what I can get and I celebrate it. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. That’s definitely one of the things that’s kept me happy all these years.
Because gratitude is HUGE. I think of it in a rather simple way. You’re STUCK with this thing called LIFE, you might as well find a way to enjoy it. And gratitude is the way to go. It’s THE way, in my opinion.
The compound effect of the little things is FAR from LITTLE.
It is heavily underrated.
The psychological uplifting effect that you get by completing what seems as small and menial tasks, is profound and necessary for you to KEEP GOING in the midst of suffering. It’s a rocket-fuel for your motivation.
Come Up with a Solid Routine
Routine is that order that your life is lacking right now. To put your life back together, you need to organize and square away as many things as you can manage.
It’s not only that you can do it, despite the state you are in, but that you can do it REALLY REALLY well.
Don’t underestimate yourself, even if you might not realize that, but you are strong. You will get better. You’d be surprised what human spirit can endure and what it can live without.
You need a morning routine to automate the good habits that you put in place. Because the goal here is to get to a point where you don’t debate yourself if whether or not you feel like doing things that need to be done—you’ll just do them.
Automatically.
Eventually, getting more and more control over various domains of your life and reflecting on what you’ve accomplished thus far, you’ll see your self-esteem inevitably going up.
That’s exactly what you want. It’s that wounded animal that lives in you, that needs healing; you gotta get it back on its feet.
Making incremental progress is how you do it.
Make Sure to Track Your Progress on a Daily Basis
What gets measured, gets done. It also keeps you focused, hence you’re always on the right track.
Don’t over-complicate this.
Your heart is broken, you’re hurt and overwhelmed—simplicity is your best friend. Start by planning your morning routine in a way that you will actually do what you set out to do.
The simpler you make up your routine, the more likely you are to stick to it. Adherence to good and healthy habits that move you forward is THE goal.
This, below, is the morning routine I had, dealing with my heartbreak:
- Every day wake up at 8 am. The clothes you’re gonna wear for the day are ready by the bed. And so are the GYM clothes, a laptop, a book, and the keys—everything is prepared and put the night before in my backpack—ready to just grab it and go. So when I wake up —there’s no excuses or obstacles, everything is set to start the day right.
- Take care of the cats (food, fresh water, a clean litter box)
- Make the bed. Tidy up a few things around. Do the dishes —if there are any left from the night before, and also the cats` plates.
- Nature’s call. (Truth be told, the bigger the dump you take early on, the less trouble you’re gonna give to other people. Simple and profound. Weirdly enough, a lot of people seem to not notice how it affects their behavior. Try it and pay attention—you’d be surprised.)
- Flossing, brushing my teeth, shaving
- Drink a protein shake instead of breakfast (I’m not a big fan of eggs/oatmeal). Another 2 scoops of protein (shake) powder are already in my backpack which I prepared the night before.
- Do not spend at home a minute longer than you absolutely have to. The moment all the previous steps are done—you are out. Grab the backpack, bike and get out of the house to do what you’d planned. The planning is done the night before.
- Hit the GYM
Squaring away “Make the bed” part, flossing, and going to the Gym is what helped me a lot to build momentum and deal with the nasty feeling of rejection.
It’s been over a year, and I still use the same routine. As simple as the routine is, it makes me more disciplined and focused with every passing day.
I like that It gives me just the right amount of momentum that’s needed to get out of the house to go do things I’ve planned—that’s regardless of whether I feel like or not.
Which obviously, there’s a lot of times when I don’t feel like doing anything—just give me back my pillow, blanket and f**k off.
In fact, such days are more common than I’d like to admit. In those first months following a breakup, it’s hard to push yourself to do anything—anything at all. Simply getting out of bed, where she used to sleep, requires an insane amount of effort.
But that’s exactly where your morning routine comes in handy.
Once you do it enough times, it becomes a habit. You reach that point, where you don’t get to debate your desire and intentions anymore. You just do it.
You wanna set up your morning routine in a way that it will push you out into the world to do stuff.
So, What Kind of Stuff?
ANYTHING is better than being at home one-on-one with yourself. Well, almost anything.
- No drugs
- No booze
- No hook-ups
- No post-breakup-sex
- No rekindling with your ex or the ex(s) before your recent ex
- No dating until you fully recover
None of that stupid stuff that you’ll regret later.
Right now it feels as if your own head is your arch-enemy. It wanders around and keeps coming back to the very topic that’s eating you alive.
Why?
You are in pain right now, experiencing that sensation forces your brain to look for why you’re in pain in the first place, which it finds fast.
Then it starts digging deeper into the details of “breakup” trying to make sense of it all. Unable to put those traumatic memory-fragments together, your brain has to investigate further.
In the process of trying to get to the bottom of things, it will start “replaying” the most painful of memories in greater detail, again and again, and again, re-traumatizing you in the process.
(Pain>searching what’s wrong>replaying the memories> more pain>new search…) It’s a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break.
Pain is one thing, it’s an unpleasant sensation in your body signaling that something’s wrong.
You are grieving, so this is normal.
Pain is a sensation that you can take. And in fact, if you pay close attention, you are already tolerating it right now, in this very moment, as you are reading this. That’s great news.
However, It’s your head’s take on that pain—opinions that it forms on the matter, and the fear of you not being able to take the future pain transforms it into a whole ‘nother animal which has a name, and the name is suffering.
The more time you spend at home with yourself, the more time you give your head to mess with you. It can cause a colossal amount of unnecessary suffering and misery.
The Solution is to Get Back to Your Normal Routine as Soon as Possible
You have responsibilities to fulfill and day-to-day tasks that could use your attention. Make your best effort to take good care of them as they show up so that they don’t grow out of proportion and overwhelm you.
To speed up your recovery process, focus your attention on your performance part. Be that your job, hobby, a new art class, or maybe a new skill you’re trying to learn.
Instill yourself a new mindset—the mindset of growth: with hard work, you can get better. See failures and setbacks as opportunities to learn.
Strive for your absolute best. And try to understand, truly, that there is always a room to grow. Your current best is not good enough. You are not done yet! Because you can do so much better than that.
And even then, keep on going, you can still outdo yourself. There is much to learn. Pick up a book on the subject or take some classes.
You can always better your best.
Don’t forget to track your progress, it’s essential. And make a conscious effort to appreciate the things you learn, accomplish and do. Keeping a gratitude journal can have a profound effect on your life.
Every little win moves you forward. With each victory, you’re getting closer to the day when you wake up and realize—the pain is gone.
Obviously, the road ahead of you is not easy. You already know that. You hit the rock bottom, and it hurts like hell. And it’s dark in there too. And it’s lonely.
There is only one way out of that place, and it’s UP. Keep that in mind.
Despite what you’re thinking, you are not alone. You just can’t see us because of all the darkness around.
It’s hard to realize that right now, but just take a good look around, and pay careful attention.
You’ll see people suffering. All around you.
We’re everywhere. There is somebody you know right now who, too, fights the darkness. And might be losing.
They could desperately use some light…you can be that light for them. Don’t underestimate yourself. You might think you are not much of light yourself, but it beats the darkness.
You cannot even begin to imagine the magnitude of suffering THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW are dealing with right now.
The simplest of things such as a hug given to the right person or a hand-written thank you note can be lifesaving.
Maybe you believe what you do don’t matter.
You think, “There are billions of people out there. What difference does it make if you just save one person?”
For that one person, it makes all the difference!
Do not underestimate how much power you hold. You can save somebody. Realize that. This is important.
Personally, instead of concentrating my attention on my own suffering and misery, I focused on what I can do to make a difference for somebody else: I was focusing on blood donations, volunteering work; helping some of my friends, who had it rough.
I was focusing on anything other than me and I think that was the key to my recovery progress. One day, I just woke up and the suffering wasn’t there anymore. Shift your focus onto helping others, and I believe such day will come to you too; and much sooner than you realize.
Step 8: Listen to Podcasts
It’s no secret that music affects how you feel. A LOT. It can definitely get you through the darkest of times. But it can also make you more depressed than ever.
Personally, I stayed away from it when I was trying to heal my broken heart. It was way too easy for me to go down the rabbit hole of sad music.
Once I listen to one sad song which resonates with my feelings, now I have to either listen to it again or something similar that triggers similar emotion. It escalates quickly.
Therefore, It’s really hard to get out of that “negative-emotion zone” that makes you even more miserable than you already were. And what helped me, is I started to listen to podcasts.
Joe Rogan Experience, Jocko Willink and Jordan B. Peterson in particular.I felt magically connected to the speaker and become involved in whatever topic they happen to be discussing about. Whether I felt like or not.
This is the key.
It shifts the focus from you onto something or someone else. Also, you have a relationship with the person you are listening to and it’s growing. Before you know you will feel like you’ve known that person for years.
That’s emotional support that you very much needed. When you need advice, you listen to them, and you feel as if they speak directly to you. And they do.
And that’s the magic of that platform. Just like music is able to transform you. So is somebody else’s voice. It can have a profound effect on you. Jordan B. Peterson did that for me. What a legendary man.
He did an astonishing job helping me to climb out of hell and be happy again. The power of podcasts is unbelievable. When you listen to your favorite podcast host you feel the connection. You are not alone.
You feel like you are there with them in that same room having a conversation.
More importantly, it feels like you belong there—you are part of the community. In addition to that, you quickly realize you are not the only person struggling right now. Far from it.
There are people out there, highly successful individuals, the best of the best at what they do, and they are, too, fighting the same battles you’re fighting. Or sometimes, worse.
Which gives you a new perspective and encouragement. If their situation is even worse than yours and yet they can do it, then guess what—you can do it too!
In Conclusion:
I know you are hurting right now. I am really sorry that you have to suffer. I promise you —it will get better. Much much better. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. Cut yourself some slack — you are dealing with a massive amount of suffering.
Stick to the routine you put in place. Exercise regularly, take good care of yourself. And track your progress.
You will climb out of the hell that you’re in right now. I know it’s cold in there, I know the word pain doesn’t even begin to describe how you are feeling right now. I know some people might not get you. I know you feel all alone, hurt, and broken and hopeless.
All of that will change.
Everything’s gonna be alright!
If you just hang tight and focus on helping others and improving yourself you will weather the storm.
