For the more shy, introverted, or awkward among us—group conversations can be a real nightmare. It’s sometimes difficult in a group setting to find your voice and speak up, especially if the group contains more social, extroverted, fast-talking members.When seeing others seem to navigate group settings so effortlessly, it can be easy to ask yourself, “Why can’t I speak up in groups?,” or “Why is this so hard for me?” Turns out, it’s hard for a lot of people; let’s look at why.
It’s common for people to feel out of their depth in group settings. There are lots of different reasons why different people may struggle to make themselves heard with lots of people around, but most of them boil down to feeling uncomfortable, nervous, or self-conscious.
Understanding what makes it difficult for you to speak up can provide you the tools to overcoming those roadblocks.
You won’t go from a wallflower to the life of the party overnight, but tackling one or two of these stumbling blocks, you might just find yourself opening your mouth at the next social gathering you attend.
You’re Afraid of Rejection
Worrying about how others will react to what you say is one of the fastest ways to find your tongue locked up. It’s so easy to start over-analyzing everything you want to say to the point that you run out of time to say it before the conversation moves on. It’s been something I’ve struggled for long.
This can create analysis paralysis, a feeling where you spend so much time thinking about what to say (and why that might be the wrong thing to say), that you wind up unable to settle on anything.
Rejection is scary, and when you’re hyper-focused on the reaction to everything that comes out of your mouth, that even small rejections or imagined rejections can feel devastating and discourage you from speaking up again.
Finally, interject a joke in the conversation, but receive only small chuckles? You might feel that the group didn’t find it funny or were only being polite.
The reality is that not every joke lands every time for anybody. Not every insight will leave people scratching their chins and nodding their heads. And even when you say something undeniably smart—intelligent, capable people may emphatically disagree with you.
I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to cut yourself a break and worry less about how people react to what you say.
You’re a self-critical person; form your own opinions and stand your ground. No one else out there has your set of values and personal experience. You are unique! Embrace that, instead of trying to erase anything that makes you different and special, in an effort so that you can better fit in the society.
Unfortunately, many people, especially chronic-people-pleasers do that. And that’s the quickest path to suffering, misery, resentment and not living a fulfilling life.
You want to be surrounded by authentic people that actually care about you and interested in what you have to say? You want to make real friends?
Genuineness and vulnerability are how you do it. People resonate and connect with those who have the guts to embrace their imperfections – authenticity is attractive.
It will help you grow a thick skin, which in and of itself is amazing. But also you will learn self-acceptance, which is one of the keys to happiness. Not to mention that by separating yourself from those, who don’t like the real you or who brings you down, you improve your self-esteem. It’s a win – win.
If you struggle dealing with rejection, I think mindfulness meditation, also known as Vipassana, can help a lot.
It’s not important what other people think of you.
And by the way, they’re most likely going to like you if you just give them a taste of who you really are, even if they don’t immediately respond with thunderous laughter, roaring applause, or beaming smiles.
You’re Trying to Be Respectful
Quiet, introverted people often worry more than others about how their words and actions affect others. They hate being cut off or interrupted because it can be so hard for introverts to get back into the conversation, and so they avoid doing that to others.
However, the character strengths common among introverts of altruism, empathy, and selflessness can become debilitating weaknesses when they become overpowering.
The truth is that even the most good-natured, friendly conversations are something of a power struggle. Interruptions and overlap of speakers are common and, when done in the right way, not considered rude by most people.
If you wait for your turn, it might never come. Be assertive. If you’ve got something that you know adds to the conversation, then don’t be afraid to throw verbal elbows a little to make room for yourself.
You Feel You Have Nothing to Add
Sometimes you might have the perfect thing to say and just can’t find an opportunity to say it. Other times you may sit quietly through an entire conversation because you don’t feel at any point that you have anything to contribute.
But that’s just no true, is it? You are a unique and special. Duh.
But, there has never been anyone just like you! Even if it seems cheesy, it’s true that your perspective is uniquely your own, and you can bring a point of view to any conversation that no one else can.
If you aren’t super familiar with the topic of discussion, then use your ignorance as a way to insert yourself into the conversation. My personal favorite – ask questions. There’s nothing big talkers like more than the opportunity to look smart by explaining something they’re knowledgeable about. Listen attentively, ask follow up questions, and relate their answers to your own experience.
If you can engage with or show excitement for something that someone else cares about, then they’re likely to remember you as a glowing conversationalist.
You’re Putting Too Much Pressure on Yourself
One of the hardest things about being a naturally untalkative person is the pressure you feel to speak up in settings where you don’t feel comfortable. There’s nothing worse than being approached after a meeting and being asked the dreaded question, “why were you so quiet?” However, putting too much stress on yourself to speak can make it more difficult to talk.
Give yourself permission to be quiet. It’s okay to be a quiet person. Constantly telling yourself that you need to find an opening to say something can make speaking up feel high stakes, increasing your nerves, and making it more difficult to relax and enjoy the conversation.
You don’t need to transform into a fast-talking conversationalist just because someone else is. Speak up when it feels natural to you.
Say a little something here or there and otherwise, relax and enjoy just listening.
You’re Tuning Out of the Conversation
It’s one thing to let yourself be quiet. It’s another thing to retreat into your little world. It can be boring, frustrating, or scary to feel like you’re trapped in a conversation that you can’t participate in. But, if you let your thoughts wander and start writing your mental to-do list or daydreaming about what you’re going to do when you get out of this meeting—then you’ll never be able to jump into the conversation.
Attentive listening is an important part of conversation, if not the most. By paying attention and following along, even while you’re silent, you’ll be more aware of opportunities to contribute, and you’ll feel more confident doing so, knowing that you’re dialed into the flow of the conversation.
You Aren’t Loud Enough
Group settings can often be somewhat loud and chaotic, or at least spread over a larger area than a one-on-one conversation. When you do speak up, make sure to project your voice so that you are heard by everyone. If you mutter quietly, you may not get everyone’s attention. You could wind up talking privately to someone close to you rather than the group itself.
Speaking loudly, like much of the advice here—is easier said than done. It was hard to convince yourself to say anything in the first place. Speaking loudly just makes you feel more exposed, more vulnerable, and more easily subject to criticism. It’s hard. There’s no other way around it.
When you muster the courage to speak up, bring that extra bit of bravery and project your voice so that everyone can hear you. Put in the effort, and you’ll see the benefit.
Conclusion
There’s no magic wand you can wave to make speaking up in group settings suddenly a breeze. It takes persistence, practice, and patience to get better at speaking up in a crowded room. However, if you pay attention to what specifically makes it difficult for you and apply some of the advice provided here–it can become easier over time.
