Relationships are something that everyone has. Not everyone has a toxic relationship. Yet, how do relationships become toxic? They seemingly sneak up on you. One minute you’re getting to know each other and the next thing you know you’re standing in the yard yelling at each other throwing shoes. Is there a way to prevent relationships from becoming toxic?
All relationships can run into rough patches where toxic behavior can occur. However, relationships that are consistently exhibiting certain symptoms is undoubtedly a toxic one. Toxic relationships tend to happen when one or both parties display behavior that qualifies as toxic.
Unfortunately, toxic relationships are not a new thing. They are something that has always been around. And, they’re a lot more frequent than you might expect. How do they become toxic and what can we do to prevent them from becoming that way? The answers are rarely simple, but they’re out there. Keep reading for some identifying characteristics of toxic relationships, and how these can be prevented.
9 Ways Relationships Become Toxic
Relationships become toxic for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they’re toxic from the start, and other times they become worse with time. But there’s always something you can do about it, so you’re not stuck in a situation that makes you unhappy.
Preventing a toxic relationship isn’t exactly a one size fits all blanket solution. Each relationship is unique, just as unique as the individuals that are involved. However, there are stepping stones to each person doing their part to keep the relationship from taking a toxic turn.
Below are a few of the most common reasons that relationships become toxic. In addition, ways to prevent it from happening. While there’s no easy formula for fixing a toxic relationship, these will help you identify possible problems and formulate hopeful solutions.
Withholding Your Emotions Because They Don’t Matter
Many people can feel as if though they hold in their emotions it will help make the relationship run smoother. Some people feel as if their emotions don’t matter. Sometimes these feelings are due to a past relationship that was also toxic.
Holding in emotions good and bad can be detrimental not only to your mental health but also to the health of your relationship. Withholding emotions can quickly lead to resentment. Resentment can lead to hate, and hate can lead to even more toxic qualities.
When we don’t say how we feel we aren’t validating ourselves and we are saying that what we feel and think doesn’t matter. That is extremely untrue. What you feel and think does matter.
How to Prevent This
Preventing this sort of toxic behavior in the relationship can be easy. Open up to your partner and tell them how you feel even when it’s not a good feeling. If your partner doesn’t validate those feelings then they are also being toxic, but more on that later.
Let your partner know that you are feeling a certain way and need to let it out. It is best to do this in a calm state of mind though. If you were to come at them in anger or hysteria that can put a person on the defensive and lead to a bigger problem versus fixing the smaller one you had.
Testing Each Other and Asking Them to Constantly Prove Themselves
Sometimes you or your partner may feel the need to ask for proof of love and loyalty. Toxic relationships bloom quickly when one or both of the parties are constantly asking the other to prove themselves. This can also come with tests of love like, trying to bate your partner into a text exchange with a fake profile to try and get them to cheat.
When someone is constantly trying to jump through hoops to prove that they love you it shows a true lack of trust. Trust is a foundation of a relationship and if it is constantly in question then it is likely that relationship won’t be able to last.
How to Prevent This
Trust is key to any relationship. While it can be hard to put trust into a partner, especially after being in a previous bad relationship or seeing someone like a partner go through a bad relationship, you must get past that and give as much trust as possible.
If you can’t go into a relationship with trust from the beginning then you shouldn’t enter that relationship at all. It immediately puts your relationship onto a toxic path.
Have an open discussion with your other half and let them know what you’ve been through and why you might have some trust issues. Do not ask them to prove themselves constantly.
Lack of Communication
This may seem similar to withholding your emotions. However, this is a little more than that. When there is no communication, not only can feelings be hurt, but misunderstanding occurs.
There could be no issues, but if one person says very little to the other someone might misunderstand and cause a bigger issue than its worth. Not talking can lead to a lack of intimacy as well. If there is not any communication then it’s just two people in a room looking at each other.
Even withholding significant portions of your day can lead to toxic behavior. It can lead to even more misunderstanding about where emotions are coming from. For example, if your partner has had a really bad day then they might be a little more aggravated than normal. If they don’t tell you then that aggravation can lead to hurt feelings that aren’t understandable or justified.
How to Prevent This
Preventing a lack of communication is easy. Communicate. Talk to your partner. Talk to them about everything. Talk to them about your past, what you want for the future, or even about your day.
Having someone you can communicate with easily and freely is not something to take for granted. It isn’t always easy to talk about things especially when they’re bad things. However, being able to is truly important.
Big Lies and Little Lies
Lying is a sure way to have a toxic relationship. This comes back to trust. Lying is something that easily and quickly breaks down the pillar trust between two partners. How can you trust someone that lies to you?
Lying also shows a lack of respect. When you lie to your partner you are saying, “I don’t respect you enough to tell you the truth.” Respect is crucial as it’s something that every relationship is built upon and lying to your partner is a sure-fire way to show that there is none.
Sometimes lying can come from a place of kindness. One person thinks it’d save the feelings of the other person if they just don’t tell them the truth. However, this can lead to bigger lies and more lies to just cover up the original one.
How to Prevent This
Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy even when you think you’re saving someone’s feelings. There should be no degree of lying when it comes to a relationship even simple lies can have major consequences.
When you feel like you must lie to your partner ask yourself, “Would I want them to lie to me about XYZ?”
If the answer is, “No.” Then it probably isn’t a good thing to do and should be avoided at all costs.
Constantly Trying to One-up Each Other
A small amount of competition is can be healthy especially when it comes to achieving positive goals. However, trying to constantly say, “I have it worse than you.” is a bad road that leads right into toxic territory.
When you try to invalidate someone else’s struggle, it can make him or her feel small. They can feel as if they’re feelings aren’t worth much. This leads right back into hiding emotions.
How to Prevent This
Listen to your partner and let them have their moments. Sometimes it is not easy to let someone feel bad when you had a bad thing happen to you too. However, not letting them express themselves can lead to bottled up feelings.
If you feel as if you want to share your experiences with your partner listen to them fully and share that, you can understand their feelings because you’ve had something similar happen. Don’t make it about yourself. Work on your ego.
Being Possessive/Insecure
People are not possessions. When one partner is treating the other as an object then it isn’t great groundwork for a healthy relationship.
Possession also goes hand in hand with insecurity. One may feel that they need to take possession over another because they are unhappy with themselves are afraid that the other person will leave.
This comes with a lot of control issues and a large number of fights. No one enjoys being someone else’s property and most people fight against it eventually.
How to Prevent This
Working on improving your self-esteem is a great way to start in preventing this toxic path. If you enter into a relationship feeling so insecure that you feel like you need to become possessive over the other person than you may need help from a therapist to work through those emotions.
Feeling secure in yourself is not an easy task, however, it will help in stopping the growth of a toxic relationship.
One Person Putting in all the Work
When one person is putting in all the emotional and physical work it takes to grow a relationship that relationship becomes toxic and one-sided. Sometimes it may feel like its better to work as hard as possible to make up for the other person’s lack of trying in a relationship.
When that happens though that other person becomes lazy and comfortable and never contributes to the relationship. You are reinforcing a bad behavior that are most likely lead to a breakup (when you finally feel that you had enough), or a miserable life.
Being in a relationship that one-sided isn’t fun nor is it healthy. It can be hard to see one side not putting in the effort and easy to think you can just make up for it. However, it creates an unbalanced relationship that can easily become toxic.
How to Prevent This
Establishing strong boundaries is the best thing you can do for yourself in any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Remember the infamous quote by Henry Cloud, “You get what you tolerate.”
I understand that preventing this particular sort of toxic behavior can be more difficult than others.
Some people, like myself, just want to give love. It can be easy to give too much love with little in return. One of the things that can help is to check yourself and your relationship periodically to see if it is balanced. Do not be afraid to address the issues when they arise.
Ask, “Am I the only one always working to make this work?” If, “Yes.” Then it might be time to evaluate the relationship overall and see if there’s a way to fix it before it’s too far-gone.
Invalidating Each Other
I think that many relationships have a bit of healthy teasing. However, constant invalidation for feelings looks or choices is cruel and plain wrong. An abundant amount of berating leads to hurt feelings and fights that can become increasingly more agitated.
If you can’t listen to how your partner thinks and feels without trying to shut them down as being wrong or untrue then your relationship is in the toxic territory. No one wants to feel as if they don’t matter and these feelings lead to bad relationships.
How to Prevent This
Let your partner speak and let them feel valid in who they are. It’s important to be in a relationship where each individual is allowed to be themselves 100%, without feeling at risk for constant criticism or ridicule.
Holding onto Everything, Even the Small Stuff
It can be easy to start keeping a scorecard in a relationship. Yet, if there is a constant, “Remember that time you forgot your socks on the floor? I was so angry!” This path will lead to toxicity, for sure. Holding onto every small thing shows a need to pick on the other person.
This also can come from insecurity or resentment towards something else. No one wants to be constantly nitpicked. When there is nagging about every mistake ever made then the other person becomes increasingly more unhappy and anxiety-ridden over every mistake. This leads to lying about mistakes that were made and ultimately in a lack of trust.
Noting every little thing that a partner does wrong is counterproductive, and doesn’t allow for anyone to move forward. That includes yourself, and your partner. But, on the other hand, keeping a laundry list of all of the great things that you contribute to the relationship isn’t helpful, either.
Relationships are all about give and take. If one member of a relationship is focused on quantifying their efforts, it will turn toxic quickly.
How to Prevent This
You have to let it go. Hanging onto the small things will sink your relationship, fast. Let go of the small mistakes, you gotta pick your battles. Ask yourself if nagging on them for that one small mistake made months ago is going to help improve anything or if it will just make matters worse. Likely, picking on them for something small isn’t worth the brainpower it takes up.
However, there is a big butt coming. Mistakes are not made equal.
Big BUT. If you partner cheated on you. You need to dump them right then and there. I understand though, sometimes people try to make things work and they even succeed, making their bond stronger than ever. Yes, that is sometimes possible.
But at some point, after about a year in, if you still can’t forgive them for what they did – you best let them go. You are wasting your time and you know that. You will always bring that thing up in every fight, big or small, increasingly making the relationship even more toxic than it already was. You understand that at that point, there is nothing they can do about that mistake – it happened, it’s in the past. If you can not forgive them, leave. It’s not a good place to be for your emotional health.
Exiting a Toxic Relationship
Perhaps you’ve already tried to prevent your relationship from becoming toxic and unfortunately, it becomes one anyways. No matter who is toxic in the relationship once noticed and deemed unfixable it can be time to exit the relationship.
It can be hard to let go of something you might have worked so hard on. You may love the person. However, exiting these sort of relationships are not only necessary for your mental health, but also even for your personal growth.
Once exiting unredeemable toxic relationships it can be a good idea to take a break from relationships to understand your part in the relationship and how to prevent those actions going further.
If you feel unsafe in your relationship and are afraid to leave then please visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline for more help.
Final Thoughts
Toxic relationships can occur without malicious intentions. They can happen before you even realize it. It can be easy to get lost in finding a relationship and not wanting to see where toxicity lies. However, if you notice one of these toxic behaviors beginning it is likely that there are more that have yet to be uncovered.
Many of these traits run deeper than just one relationship and oftentimes to truly kill the bad traits requires much more self-reflection and therapy.
It is not always possible to prevent a toxic relationship, especially when both parties are not on board with helping prevent them. It takes two people to make a relationship work and having open conversations about where the toxicity is can be a game-changer for most couples.
Finally, if you feel like you’re in a toxic relationship it is okay to admit that and take responsibility for your part in it. It is rarely ever one person who makes a relationship toxic. Learning and growing from mistakes is the most important thing you can do overall in trying to prevent toxic relationships.
