Everyone has dealt with some level of self-judgment in their lives. That internal voice that tells you “you aren’t good enough, you’re a failure, you’re worthless, no one likes you…” It can go on and on. Even the most successful of us, and those that we would least suspect, fall victim to these intrusive thoughts. How can you communicate with someone facing this predicament, and what to tell someone who thinks they are a failure?

Supporting someone that sees themselves as a failure due to negative self-talk can be difficult. There are some methods of communication that can work to help them see that they are not the failures that they believe they are. Some of those methods are…

• Positive Affirmations
• Active Listening
• Offering Help
• Avoiding Judgment

Helping someone who believes themselves a failure can require many different approaches. While I there is no perfect way to communicate with someone experiencing some serious negative self-talk, there are some things that you can try. In this article, we will look at what those different methods look like and how you can use them.

Giving Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are so simple that it can almost seem silly to use them when you are trying to help someone experience a rough time. When someone is in a stage of feeling like they are a failure, they are being attacked by their own inner thoughts. 

When someone has gotten to that stage even simple, positive thoughts can seem impossible for them to generate and tell themselves.

By giving this person positive affirmations, you can get a bit of positivity past the defensive shield that they’ve put up around themselves. Sometimes, all they need to hear is something good about themselves, their work, their personality or the world around them. 

When someone is stuck in a loop of negative self talk, retelling themselves over and over that they are worthless, it can seem daunting, and even impossible to snap them out of it. But, sometimes even the simplest act of affirmation can derail that sad train.

Here are some examples of things that you can say to someone who is struggling with feelings of frustration and self doubt. You might want to take these examples as a structure to build your own affirmations.

Show Appreciation 

This one is simple, yet powerful. Give thanks and show your appreciation of the person you’re trying to help. It doesn’t have to be complicated, so keep it simple and close to home. Just a simple thank you can go a long way. Here are some examples of what to say:

• You are a great friend and I appreciate what you’ve done for me
• You really help to make my life a lot easier, thank you for that
• My work would be so much more difficult without you to help me
• I’m thankful to have you in my life

Express Admiration

When you express admiration, you are telling someone what it is that you admire about them. Be genuine and pick something you truly like about the person. These affirmations can be particularly helpful for a friend who feels poorly about their career, works of art, or self-worth. 

• You have a really inspiring work ethic, I’m really impressed
• You work really hard and it shows
• You have integrity in what you do, it makes me want to try harder
• I’m really impressed by the way you….

Show Empathy

Showing someone that you understand how they feel can say a lot to someone who is struggling. For them, just knowing that they have someone that they can truly confide in can help them feel like they are not alone. 

• I know that things are tough at the moment, but you are really doing a good job through all that’s happened.
• It must be challenging…
• I know you’re exhausted, you’ve been doing so much lately
• I can’t know everything you’ve been through, but you can vent to me

Give Encouragement 

Encouragement can give someone a boost of motivation that they need to get over a hump in the road.  Giving someone an encouraging affirmation can help to make them feel like they are on the right path. It’s very empowering to know that someone believes in you.

• I’m proud of what you’ve achieved and I’m excited to see where you go from here
• You really are doing a great job, I’m really impressed
• I want you to know that I believe in you, and I believe you are doing the right thing
• You’ve accomplished more than I could have imagined

Give Acknowledgement 

Acknowledging someone’s qualities, things you can see can give them the feeling that they are noticed. That what they are doing, and who they are, matters. That can be very fulfilling; and fulfillment is one of the most important things in life.

• You look great today
• I can really tell that despite everything that’s happening your taking good care of yourself
• I respect how you…
• It really impressed me when you…

How To Be An Active Listener

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to listen to them. All you need to do is be there for them and allow them to feel comfortable opening up to you. Oftentimes people just need to express the things that are bothering them to someone else, and that person only needs to listen. 

Very important to point out – you aren’t trying to solve the problems as they arise, you are simply acknowledging them and letting them come naturally from the person you are trying to help.

Listening is more than just hearing. Active listening is a participatory form of listening where we aren’t just hearing the information being spoken, but interpreting the entirety of what they are trying to say. 

It’s like being an interactive sounding board for someone else’s problems and it can be used to show them that they actually have a firmer grasp on their issues than they think. 

Active listening is about taking conscious effort to stay active, involved and understanding while you listen. It can be more difficult than it seems and there are some things to keep in mind if you are wanting to improve your active listening abilities.

Remembering What Is Being Said

Can be more difficult than we’d like to admit. Especially if the person you are listening to is not the greatest speaker. Still, you are trying to help and so you must employ some strategy to your listening.

Making a mental note of what they have just said can help to remember it. It can also help you remember what is being said by repeating back to the speaker part of what they’ve said in the form of a question. Sounds weird? Here’s an example:

“I feel like my family doesn’t believe in me, I just feel like I’m not doing my best work.”
“…like you’re not doing your best work?” 

Or

“I’m just so exhausted, my boss isn’t listening to my ideas anymore.”
“Your boss isn’t listening anymore?”

It may feel a little awkward to put into practice, but it does two things when you use this during your active listening. First, it helps you retain what it is that they are talking about, especially if you don’t particularly understand the intricacies of their problem, or the problem is outside of your realm of knowledge.

Secondly, it shows the speaker that you are paying attention and in doing so you are driving the conversation in the right direction by encouraging them to continue on their current train of thought. This can make it easier for you to make sense of what they are trying to relate to you, and help them to feel more comfortable in the knowledge that you are taking them seriously.

This can be a handy skill to develop for those that want to do our best to help but have a hard time sitting still and paying attention. It is important that when you are dealing with someone who is struggling, someone that may see themselves as a failure, that the conversation is about them. 

Pay Close Attention

You can do more than what we’ve just discussed when it comes to paying attention and building your comprehension of the situation. There are a few things to keep at the forefront of your mind when you take on the role of active listener.

• Look At The Speaker: It is important that when you are trying to communicate in a helpful manner that you give the speaker your utmost, and undivided attention. That alone is truly a gift! So, put down the phone, switch off the TV, close your laptop and exist in that space with the speaker. 

A lot of us can be stuck in our ways and used to communicating from a half-absent place where half our attention is on a screen, and half on the world. Take a moment to make the speaker the only focal point for the moment. It will make them feel important and respected, and it will help you stay focused on listening.

• Put Aside Your Own Thoughts: This one is important. Remember, we aren’t necessarily trying to fix the problems at hand. It can quickly frustrate and shut down your speaker if you constantly have something to say about their issue. And keep rebuttals in the back of your mind for now.

If someone is confiding in you about their own self doubts, they don’t need you to play devil’s advocate. It took me a long time to learn this lesson myself, and I still struggle sometimes. But do try your best to store the replies, rebuttals and disagreements in the back of your mind. You may need them later, but chances are the person that you are listening to doesn’t need to hear them.

• Avoid Tangents: Staying on topic is important in understanding and feeling empathetic towards your speaker, but even with a dedicated listener and a motivated speaker, conversation can get off topic. 

While going off on a fun tangent might uplift the situation, it can detract from your listening and might make the speaker turn back into themselves, losing that comfortable rapport that you’d built that allowed them to open up to you about their problems. 

Also, if there are others present, like in a social situation, it might be best to take the conversation elsewhere to avoid being derailed by an inquisitive or uninformed bystander.

• Watch Their Body Language: Body language can tell you a lot about how your speaker is feeling. Nonverbal signals can tell you almost as much as words themselves. If the topic is putting them in a tense state you might see things like: arms folded across their chest, little facial animation or expression, turning their body away from you, making little eye contact. 

These are all signs that they are uncomfortable and that the conversation is causing them distress. You can open that up a bit by…

• Watching Your Own Body Language: Is the speaker mirroring your body language? Are you giving off a closed vibe? Watch for the same signs, crossed arms, stiff expression, lack of eye contact…etc. 

Even if neither of you actively notice the body language it can still put your loved one on the back foot, making them uncomfortable, like they want to escape from the situation. Opening your body language shows them that you are receptive to what they’ve got to say. You may even want to…

• Make The Setting Comfortable: If you’ve found the air filled with tension and you aren’t making good ground on the conversation, perhaps it’s time to move the conversation somewhere where they can be better understood and let themselves get a bit more vulnerable. 

Out of the public eye places, like a cafe, or a quiet bar, maybe a park bench, can all take some of the tension off the speaker. And a warm coffee or glass of wine can certainly help someone feel a little more available.

Show Them You’re Listening

Some simple nonverbal cues can help to show that you are paying attention to what they have to say. A simple nod or facial expression can go a long way. 

By nodding and smiling, you are giving them the feeling that you are agreeable, which will help them to open up and feel like they have you on their side. For someone struggling with a feeling of failure and self doubt, simply having someone on their team can help them to feel better. 

Remember your body language too. Keeping it open and receptive shows that you are there for them and you care what it is that they have to say. Stand or sit, facing them, give them decent eye contact and keep your focus towards them.  Simply turning your barstool so that the angle of your legs points to them can show you are engaged. 

Let us not forget the “uh-huhs” and  “yes” and the tried and true “mhmm.” These simple verbal comments remind the speaker that you are actively participating in the conversation and the things that they are saying are resonating. It is a subtle encouragement for you to say, yes when they hit a pause, or uh huh when they have made a valid point.

Provide Feedback When The Time Is Right

Important point, we are not going to give our two cents for everything that they say. And by all means we are trying to avoid playing the devil’s advocate. Most of us will have to repress the urges to correct, reprimand or pose a rebuttal throughout the conversation.

Some ways that you can give valuable feedback might look like this…

• Reflect back a point that they have made: Just like we stated before when you are trying to keep on track with your comprehension of the conversation, you can mirror back their words for great effect.

“So what you are saying is…” 
Or   
“What I am hearing you say is…” 

And you use their own words and points. It might look like this put together.

“So what you’re saying is you are trying really hard, but you still aren’t feeling like you are putting forward your best work.” 
Or
“What I’m hearing is that you are tired of how your boss has been treating you.”

By using this sort of language you are really showing that you are paying attention not to just what they are saying, but how it all falls together. It not only builds their confidence in your listening but can also allow them to open up further or build on what they’ve said if perhaps you’ve understood incorrectly.

Remember being compassionate and non-judgmental. They are in a difficult situation right now, and they need you to have their back. 

Respond Appropriately 

In an exercise like active listening, you are trying your best to make the other person comfortable as they confide in you and trust that you are respecting them and understanding what it is that they are trying to say.

It is important that when you do respond you are open and honest with them. Tell them how their words made you feel and that you understand. Remember, you’re not necessarily trying to solve a problem, but they may ask your opinion. They may ask what you think they should do. This is the time for your responses and perhaps your rebuttals. 

Don’t interrupt to tell them what you think, but wait for them to give you the platform to do so. 

You can use constructive criticism here, but use it wisely and remember that the person you are talking right now is vulnerable and needs your support more than they need your advice. 

In Conclusion

The most important thing that we can do for our friends and loved ones when they are struggling with feelings of failure and inadequacies, is to listen. By performing Active Listening, we can make sure that their words and feelings are valued and understood. 

While this isn’t the cure-all for someone who is feeling like failure, it can certainly go a long way to boost their self-esteem, self-worth, and validate their hard work. If you find yourself faced with a friend who has these worries, pull up a couple of chairs, turn off the TV and let them tell you their story.