It can be very easy to get irritated, annoyed and angry at others for the things they do, for who they are. Sometimes you wonder – “Can’t you just be a bit more like Kate?” “Why do you always have to do this?” or “I don’t like people who act like this”.
Way too often, while we don’t even know it, we’re constantly trying to get our loved ones or those around us to act more like how we want them to.
We want to influence their behavior because we really do believe they’re better off acting the way we want.
The problem, though, is down that road lies a whole lot of resentment, pain, anger along with other not-so-good things. When you try to force or pressure people into being the way you want, you end up alienating them and making them feel bad.
If you constantly rain criticism down on someone for doing something they like that doesn’t fly with you, they won’t stop liking that thing. They’ll stop liking you.
It’s always best to accept people for who they actually are. There are so many benefits for doing so, both for yourself and the other person. Understand that we’re all entitled to our own viewpoint. We all have our likes and dislikes, and nobody’s hobbies or quirks are better or worse than others.
Realizing this is a paramount of healthy relationships based on acceptance and compassion.
Accepting people for who they are can often be difficult and even painful.
And so many of us still find it difficult to accept others because we struggle with the difference between acceptance and endorsement. They are not the same thing. And that’s the key to getting good at it.
Acceptance is NOT endorsement
Acceptance stems from the understanding that we are all created free and equal – black, white, red, orange, bronze, child, adult, teenager, boomer, everybody. Just as I have the right to believe whatever I want and do whatever I please (within the law obviously), so does the next person.
Endorsement, on the other hand, is not just acceptance, it is also active support for what a person does, thinks or is. It means being positively on their side and acknowledging what they do as being in line with your own beliefs and values.
However, you’ve heard this many times: you are entitled to your own opinion. And it’s just that, an opinion. You got yours, I got mine. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to agree with it, but it’s still there, regardless. One of the hardest parts is to learn to respect it.
Important to mention is that you can accept a person for who they are without going so far as to endorse who they are or what they do. You can tolerate their right to hold their beliefs and act in whatever lawful way they like but you don’t have to like it.
That doesn’t mean that you have to or should tolerate toxic and abusive behavior towards yourself. Not at all. But the thing is, which is important, is that it’s you and only you who decides what your boundaries are.
And obviously, sometimes your boundaries are gonna be broken and pushed further particularly in a romantic relationship, but to which degree is always under your control. Establishing strong and healthy boundaries is a vital pillar of healthy relationships.
There are many books that touch on that subject, and one of my favorite is “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown. Another book that dives deep on the matter is called “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
Benefits of accepting others for who they are
When you practice acceptance, it can result in several positive effects for you and those around you. You’ll quickly notice massive changes in different areas of your life: at home, at work and even amongst your friends.
You stop making others feel they’re not “good enough”
The bottom-line of intolerance is that you feel someone else just “doesn’t cut it” as they are. You believe their views and opinions are wrong, or that they don’t matter, or are misguided or you just generally feel they can do better. Or worse off you feel you are better than them.
It doesn’t take much of looking around to realize that we are all messed up in some way with all our quirks and weird things that we do and think. At least at some point or another. Humans are not perfect. No one is. We make mistakes, we learn, we try doing better next time. Judging others is futile and hurts you more than you know.
I think, we all in this together, we all do our best to be happy and try not to suffer as much. You gotta do you. And you gotta do “your” thing. If you genuinely care about improving the world, you better watch what YOU do. And focus on improving yourself rather than trying to “change” others.
Constantly judging others is putting you in a really bitter state and making you a very unpleasant person to be around. It’ll make all of your relationships unnecessary difficult and even toxic.
Also, one of the problems with this is that it makes the other person feel inadequate and may even make them lash out at you. You don’t want that either. Accepting them as they are reduces the possibility of tension and even lets them connect with you better and understand if you genuinely believe they can be or do better. And they can see where you coming from and even maybe they can do something about that.
Helps you avoid resentment
This one is sneaky. Hard to really see if you yourself becoming resentful. Easier to judge others, self-awareness is much harder. Having become resentful may not always be apparent, especially if you are in a superior position. Also if you pay close attention you can notice that for every time you correct, judge or try to change someone, they like you a little less.
Sooner or later, the resentment will show and there are deep feelings behind it. Learning and practicing open-mindedness, compassion and tolerance of their views and who they are will help you achieve the opposite instead. Being bitter and resentful greatly diminishes your quality of life and making the pursuit of happiness a real struggle (as if so often it wasn’t already).
Build strong and genuine connection
The more accepting you are of how others are, how they think, what they do, the less you dismiss their feelings the closer you’ll be with them. Remember you don’t have to like what they do. You most often will not, as they are not you. What’s really important is that you do not judge them for it and don’t try to constantly change them.
You’ll also be more comfortable with them, even though they are very different from you. The best life-lasting relationships are build on genuineness, acceptance, compassion and respect.
Helps you understand their viewpoint
It’s important to remember that we all have our demons. The shape and size might be different, but they’re there. We all have reasons for why we act a certain way, whether for good or for bad. Being tolerant and accepting others without judgment gives you an opportunity to learn about why they act or think the way they do.
And understanding the reasoning behind their actions makes it even easier for you to accept them just the way they are. In the long run, this makes you a better person and gives you a much broader worldview. You’ll be able to cultivate a “big-picture” view that makes you a much more balanced and well-adjusted person overall. Keeping an open mind can make your life that much better.
Let go of your expectations and attempts to control others
This is crucial when it comes to relationships. Even though our differences are some of the things that bind us fast, they are also often a source of conflict in relationships.
Many of us go in a relationship with an idea of what we’d like in the perfect relationship. And when we don’t exactly see these things, we spend so much time trying to get the other person to act the way we want. We even say to ourselves, this is temporary, they’ll change (as in, I’m gonna make sure of that:-)).
Needless to say, this leads to friction and breakups. And even if you succeed in making them act that way, your partner may be very unhappy because of it.
Rather than try to change them into your perfect definition of a partner, why don’t you let go of your expectations instead and accept them for who they actually are. You’ll both be happier, closer and funny enough you just may find out that they were always better than your best ideal after all.
What gets in our way of accepting others?
I think It really comes down to our different viewpoints and unique experiences. We were all raised differently and had vastly different circumstances. Even two people that lived in the same neighborhood or side by side on the same street can have vastly different experiences.
These experiences shape us and form our viewpoints on how to act, think and just generally be. And when you’ve been set in a certain way for years, it becomes harder to see life any differently.
But anybody can overcome these differences and get to a point where they understand and accept others, even if they don’t like them. Remember it starts with understanding that we are all born free and equal. Everyone has a right to their own ideals and thoughts, and no one can take that away from them. It’s sacred.
Keep in mind that we all have our unique experiences and the way how we behave. So the next time you feel frustrated or annoyed about someone else’s behavior, try to consider where they’re coming from and their unique viewpoints. Use compassion, it’s so underrated. It’ll make it easier to understand them and accept who they are.
