Sometimes you think about your exes. It might not be intentional; you can be going about your normal day, and suddenly, you are thinking about so-and-so that you used to date. And that is okay.
It’s fine (and normal) for a person to think about their exes. For better or for worse, exes and past relationships help to shape a person. Thinking about an ex can potentially be beneficial to not only the person but that person’s new relationship. However, if thinking about an ex is interfering with current or potential relationships, it may be necessary to seek the help of a therapist.
It is very rare for a person to go through life experiencing only one romantic relationship, so having exes is inevitable. Read on to learn more about why you may find yourself thinking about your exes and why it can even be good for you.
Brains are Gonna’ Brain
You’ve probably asked yourself, “Why do I think about my ex from years ago?” Here’s the thing.
Not only is it perfectly normal to think about your ex, but it’s also almost impossible to control. Your mind will wander where it pleases and you can’t do much about that. Try not to think about something – anything. For example, don’t think about postage stamps. You probably weren’t to begin with, but now that you’re trying not to, it isn’t so easy.
Your exes are a part of your history, and while you can and do tend to revise your history, you can’t erase your past even if you sometimes want to. Since your memories are with you forever, it is not surprising that you will think of your exes from time to time.
The Chemicals Between You (and Your Exes)
Feelings of romantic love trigger the dopamine receptors in your brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that lets your brain know that something (or someone) makes you happy or gives you pleasure. It plays a crucial part in learning as your brain seeks to repeat actions that release dopamine.
Oxytocin is a hormone released by the brain that facilitates bonding. It can be released by:
When you are in a romantic relationship, you feel pleasure and happiness. The oxytocin ties that feeling of pleasure to the person you felt it with.
“The brain develops pathways based on learned patterns,” says Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University.
If you spend a good amount of time with one person, releasing dopamine and oxytocin with them, your brain is going to retain that association even after you’ve found a new romantic partner.
Physical Reminders of Your Exes
In addition to your body chemistry that causes you to hold on to memories of past loves, sometimes the physical reminders you’ve held on to keep you thinking about your exes as well. If you see an item that you associate with your ex every day, it only makes sense that you’re going to think of them.
Even if you don’t consciously think about your ex when you see those items, those neurons are still firing. Your brain still associates those items with your exes, and you may end up dreaming about them.
That’s why when you break up with someone you should consider removing some of the things that remind you of them and could hurt you. Obviously, you don’t have to do that, however doing might significantly speed up your recovery and decrease how much you’ll suffer.
I wrote an article that dives extremely deep into how to recover from a devastating breakup. There, I cover 8 in-depth steps that you can take to help you do that.
Shared Good Times
Humans tend to revise their histories. When you look back on events in your past, you might look at yourself in a more favorable light.
When you reminisce and get nostalgic about the good times you had in previous relationships, it’s not necessarily the ex you are longing for. Often, you are longing for the way you felt with that particular person.
Just as you might remember the better parts of yourself, you do the same with your exes. Time has a way of softening a person’s harder edges. It helps that that person isn’t around to remind you of the things you didn’t like about them. You get to focus on the good times you had and the pleasant feelings you experienced.
You liked the positive things you felt, and your mind will gladly revisit those memories. The negative things you felt were unpleasant, but your brain would rather only use them as a teaching tool to avoid similar negative experiences in the future.
Don’t Take It Too Far
As more time passes, your memory will have a way of misremembering your exes’ less than stellar qualities. This is fine. However, your partner, if you’re currently in a relationship, doesn’t have the advantage of being viewed through the lens of nostalgia.
This makes it unfair should you choose to start comparing your current partner with your ex. It’s fine to think about your ex, but it’s not fine to try to make your current partner compete with your ex.
While you should feel free to reminisce fondly on the good times you had with your ex, you should also remember that they are your ex for a reason. Something happened that caused the relationship to end.
Think about what was good about the past relationship, specifically what you think you did right. You might want to take this knowledge and apply it to make your current relationship better.
Nostalgic Reverie
Did you know it can be healthy to spend time getting sentimental about the past? Research suggests that people can benefit from what is called a state of “nostalgic reverie.”
Some benefits of nostalgic reverie include:
- Improving your mood
- Offsetting current stress
- Staving off dementia
- Preventing depression and anxiety
- Improving self-esteem
What If You’re Not Thinking About the Good Times?
Unfortunately, nostalgia isn’t the only feeling that can come from thinking about our exes. Just like the brain remembers things that give you pleasure, it also remembers the things that hurt you. One of the ways your brain protects itself from future pain is trying to make sense of your breakups and what went wrong.
Even though these thoughts aren’t pleasant, your brain is trying to do a good thing for you by helping protect you from future heart-ache.
If you have unresolved issues with your past relationship, it might be wise to seek the help of a therapist. The emotional baggage is not something you want to bring into future relationships.
A Word on Trauma
People who have managed to get out of abusive relationships can find themselves thinking about their exes as well. Remember, this is normal. And the person should neither judge themselves for it nor be judged.
What has been said before applies to abusive relationships too however, abusive relationship fall-outs tend to be more complicated.
Taking time to reflect on an abusive or hurtful relationship in hindsight can help you to recognize the patterns and behaviors that you couldn’t see while you were with your abuser.
Just as someone might think about what they did right in a relationship, someone who was abused can think back and identify what type of behaviors they will not tolerate from others in the future. This will help with establishing strong healthy boundaries for your future relationships.
If you can’t stop thinking about an abusive ex, and it gives you a sense of dread or danger, you may have PTSD. Or, if thinking about your ex interferes with your daily life in any way, you should seek professional help.
Especially if these thoughts are making it hard for you to move on with your life and go about your daily routine.
Conclusion
Thinking about your ex can be pleasant, or it can be painful. But it can also be helpful. Either way, it’s completely normal. You should find yourself thinking of your ex less and less as time goes by, assuming all unfinished business has been resolved.
